This is a frank interview from a guy (who remains anonymous) wanting to disclose his own personal experience in having an affair with a married woman and how having the affair ruined not only his life but those around him.
My Affair With A Married Woman: Start of Interview
HireAPrivateEye: Thanks for wanting to share your story on our blog. Tell us how it all started? How did your affair start with a married woman?
Mr. Anonymous: I want to thank you for allowing me to air my past troubles on your website. Just so it's clear, having an affair ruins lives. I wasn't looking for an affair with this married woman, so where exactly it started I'm not too sure, but where it ended well that's another story. Let me start off by telling you that having an affair was one of the biggest mistakes I've made.
I was actually single at the time, I think in my mid-30s. I was working in a large company and had been there for about 4 years and was very happy there. My life was pretty good at that time. Working in a large business you get to know a lot of people and they sort of become your extended family. We use to go out in groups, and it was fun.
Trying to remember how my affair started is a bit hazy but I remember this woman talking to me in the cafeteria. I was introduced to her as being the sister of another staff member at work; who I got on well with. This woman (the one I had an affair with) was married with two children.
We used to get on well and we started to meet outside of work socially - having coffee for an hour or so and then go our separate ways. This became the norm and she would even tell her husband she was meeting a friend (I'm not sure exactly how much she told him but now I suspect she probably lied).
I think after a point it became more than friendship and started to develop into a physical attraction from both sides. And the conversations started to become more intense as though we were in a relationship.
HireAPrivateEye: Thanks. So you built up the relationship with this married woman from work over a period of time. How did you reason with yourself that having an affair was acceptable?
Mr. Anonymous: Well, to cut the story short, we eventually took the jump and started our sexual extramarital affair. It's strange, I knew it was wrong because she was married with two children, but I did it anyway. I used to think to myself it was okay because she said she wasn't happy in her marriage and he had had an affair with someone previously. This was my reasoning to think it was fine to do it - but boy was I wrong!
HireAPrivateEye: Thanks. So you justified it to yourself why it was fine to have the affair with this lady. What were the consequences of you having this affair?
Mr. Anonymous: Start of a BIG SHIT STORM... that's all I can say!
HireAPrivateEye: Please explain?
Mr. Anonymous: Okay. We had been carrying on for a short time when I told her she had to leave her husband and start a proper relationship with me. I was starting to dislike the sneaking around. Well, she told her husband about the affair and basically moved out of the house straight away. There was a lot of trouble for a long period. If you're thinking of having an affair, take my advice and don't, unless you want BIG trouble.
The trouble I (we) had was intense. There was a time (after she had moved out from her marital home) her husband was waiting outside where we were living. Of course he didn't come around for coffee and we ended up fighting in the street. Now, I don't blame the guy, he was pissed to say the least. As far as he could see I broke up his family, and I did. It may have already been broken but that's beside the point - it could have been fixed.
Another occasion whilst at work I had my partner's husband's mother turn-up. She wasn't happy that's for sure. My boss had to take me into the office and find out what was going on. That wasn't the only time. I had my partner's brother turn up and basically warned me off and to break up the affair with her.
So now it was spilling over into my workplace and worst of all was my partner's sister's turn who I worked with. I had to face her. This was worse as I had always gotten on well with her, but now, since the affair with her sister, that changed dramatically. There was a big upset and she stopped talking. I really felt like I was in trouble from all sides.
Obviously it went around at work which made things very uncomfortable and was actually putting a strain on my relationship with my new partner. It's ironic that the affair we started and that brought us together was now breaking us up.
I could see then that having the affair didn't just affect a few people, it literally affected many others around me. Before that time (you know, when it was all secret and no one knew) I couldn't see what the consequences would be; I couldn't see how much harm I would cause. All I could see was the short-term physical relationship with a married woman.
I had no thought for her husband or even their two children - which now is shocking to see that. I was a real low-down scuzzbucket.
HireAPrivateEye: Thanks for sharing that with us. What else happened?
Mr. Anonymous: What happened next was a real eye-opener, a real reality check.
I was at home with my new partner; things had calmed down a little but were still tense at work with her sister and family. I still felt very uncomfortable; you know, with that everyone's-talking-about-me feeling, or, he's-the-guy-having-an-affair-with-a-married-woman look.
Anyway, it was a time her husband came round to pick up the kids. Yes, we had the kids living with us. I could feel the intense I-want-to-kill-you-still feeling coming from him. So he came to collect his kids for the day but his son said he wanted to stay with me - Ouch!
That was it. Her husband got angry and stormed off which then set my partner off. She became angry at her son for not going and started blaming him for upsetting his dad.
I don't know what it was but from that point I could see who had caused all of this trouble. I remember getting angry with my partner saying "it's not his fault, it's our fault!" It was a real epiphany for me.
HireAPrivateEye: Thank you. Tell us more about your epiphany? What did you come to realize about having the affair?
Mr. Anonymous: I think from that point on I knew this was always going to be a problem relationship.
I realized you can't build a sound meaningful relationship based on a lie. And in my eyes right from the start the whole relationship was based on a lie - the affair.
I always felt that there was something wrong with it and it was a problem. It wasn't like a normal relationship where two single people get together and build from there. In our relationship there was too much destruction - more than I could have imagined - which caused our relationship to fail.
Having an affair is so destructive, not just for the immediate partners involved, but for the whole of the families connected to those having the affair. With me the trouble extended even further; into my workplace. But it also "killed" me.
HireAPrivateEye: Tell us about that. What do you mean by "it also killed me"?
Mr. Anonymous: I lost all faith in myself. I always thought I was a decent guy - no angel but fairly decent. I felt as though I corrupted myself. I felt I couldn't trust myself anymore - not just in relationships but generally. I had let myself down and that was a huge thing for me. I lost my trust in myself and lowered my self-worth; if you know what I mean. In effect, I kind of killed myself, or a part of me.
HireAPrivateEye: Well thank you for being honest. You mentioned a little while back, quote "which caused our relationship to fail" unquote. What happened to your relationship with this married woman?
Mr. Anonymous: Well we're no longer together. No surprise really. A relationship or marriage needs to be based on trust, it's very cliché but it's true. I had lost trust in myself and how could I really and honestly trust a woman who had had an affair. It was a kind of mutual thing where we split up.
I actually left work and got another job in a different town to start over.
HireAPrivateEye: So where are you now in life and what advice would you give to someone thinking about, or wanting to start an affair?
Mr. Anonymous: Now, I am in a very stable and happy relationship. I am very open with my partner. We've been together now for over nine years. I told her all about this affair. My advice to someone wanting to have an affair is DON'T. You may think it all exciting but eventually the having-to-hide-and-keep-it-secret bit doesn't work.
If it's all about the sex, the best sex I've had is with my loving partner. Seriously, if you have good communication with your partner, your relationship just rockets into the sky - it's another level. It's all about being upfront and having good communication with your spouse. If you mess-up or fuck something up - tell your partner, even if you're afraid of the consequences. It really is a dream to have NO skeletons in the closet and not have to hide things. You can just be yourself in a relationship. No barriers; just free.
HireAPrivateEye: That's great! And what would you say to someone who is unhappy in their marriage?
Mr. Anonymous: Having an affair ruined my life and if you're thinking of having one as well it will ruin your life too; so don't go there. I'm not an expert by far, but would advise marriage counseling for starters. Become honest with your partner. If you are trying to hide things then something is wrong. Get with your partner and talk. And I don't mean about unimportant stuff but things that are important. As tough as it may seem, get everything out in the open - both of you.
There is no relationship or no person that doesn't do something wrong. We all make mistakes but it's how you handle those mistakes. Taking responsibility and correcting your mistake is the way to go, not hide them. You will like yourself more for being open and fixing any mistakes you've made.
HireAPrivateEye: That all sounds fine but in our experience not all partners are that honest or amicable mild mannered people. What about that?
Mr. Anonymous: Well, if you suspect your partner is cheating, or your partner won't be upfront with you, then maybe it's time to find someone else. I don't mean you should start an affair with someone, but to call it a day and end the relationship or marriage properly; you know, divorce. Then find someone else.
I guess you could always hire a private investigator to see if your partner is cheating - that's what you guys do isn't it? Find out those cheating husbands and wives having an affair - (laughs)! I've even heard of people using spy cameras and car trackers to find out what their partners get up to.
At the end of the day it's your life as well and a relationship should be built with common purposes; working together. Otherwise what's the point? Find someone you do get on well with (not about sexual desire) but having shared realities and having the same purposes. Build on those and the sex will come; excuse the pun - (laughs).
HireAPrivateEye: Thanks for your advice and thank you for sharing your story with us and our readers.
End of Interview
We hope this real-life interview shows just how much damage an affair can cause. The ripple effects go far and wide and remember: "The urge of the moment can become the sorrow of a lifetime".