The 3 Most Important Signs of Infidelity To Watch For
One of the worst things to happen to anyone is the discovery of your partner cheating on you. But that isn’t as bad as the uncertainty or suspicion of infidelity. At least when you’ve actually found out your partner is sleeping with someone else you have that certainty.
What can be worse is the uncertainty and not knowing for sure, but having that gut feeling cheating is going on. So how can you gain that certainty of cheating in a relationship? Here’s how...
1. Watch out for the signs of infidelity
2. Get hard evidence
Following is a list of tell-tale signs of infidelity or that a spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend could be cheating on you. However, this list is just a tool to give you more certainty that something is going on and that further investigation of your spouse should be encouraged to find out exactly what. You shouldn’t make any rash decisions based on this list of tell-tale signs or any other list on the internet without first obtaining definitive proof. Just because your partner is behaving oddly towards you doesn’t necessarily mean infidelity. And there is nothing worse than being accused of something you haven’t done.
The main purpose here is to give you some indications of what infidelity can look like in a marriage so that you can look out for them as per Step 1 above, and then if necessary you can go onto Step 2.
An important point to make here is you have to look at the whole picture. Don’t think your partner is having an affair just because they’ve suddenly decided to start dressing nicely, or want to look after them self more. It’s possible that they could have turned over a new leaf in life; so don’t discount “change” as a guaranteed sign of committing adultery. People can change and do want to improve themselves. Again, it’s a sign that cheating could be happening but not conclusive.
The 3 Best Warning Signs of Infidelity
Here are the best indications of infidelity in a relationship:
- Lying and secretive behavior
- Critical behavior
- Distancing, wanting space or wanting to leave
Sign of Infidelity #1: Lying and Secretive Behavior
It goes without saying that in order to have a secret affair there will be plenty of lying and secret behavior going on. These will be some good warning signs of suspected infidelity. They will take on many forms – too many to be listed here – you can probably think up a few for yourself.
Here are a few hints of secretive behavior and lying that could be a sign of infidelity:
- Secretly creating a new email account for communicating with another lover
- Password protecting their phone or computer
- Deleting their phone’s messages or call history after certain calls
- Deleting the computer’s internet history
- Strange phone calls, sudden hang-ups and wrong numbers from a caller
- Phone bill with an unknown number for long frequent calls
- Suddenly looking after their appearance – exercising, new clothes, grooming
- Unexplained disappearances of money from joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc.
- Opening a separate new bank account
- Hidden receipts of flowers, hotel rooms, restaurant visits, etc.
- Hidden items of birth control you’re unaware of
- Contracting a sexually transmitted disease
- Being very defensive and on-edge
All of these infidelity warning signs come under the umbrella heading of lying and secretive behavior. These listed are just a few common signs of an affair and with time and imagination you could probably list hundreds yourself. But let’s move on...
All cheaters are stupid, some more than others, and will get caught. Some cheaters however can be artful liars and when you happen to touch upon one of their lies they will skillfully deflect any accusation. If you challenge some lie they will have an ingenious answer, perhaps throw it back at you making you think it’s all in your head. It’s a bit like shadow boxing.
So How Do You Spot a Lying Cheat?
This bit may sting a little but the problem of not spotting the dishonesty or the lies – if you don’t see them - unfortunately rests within you, the partner who is being cheated on. Here’s why..
One of the common things that people do to avoid confronting danger or difficult situations is to invent a reason why it’s not danger. They see a dangerous situation and pretend it’s something else or that something else is going on. WHY? Because people, generally cannot face or confront evil or evil deeds.
Here’s an example; a couple out to dinner and the husband gets a phone call, he briefly excuses himself saying its work, gets up and goes to the bar to take his call. The wife watches her husband leaning against the bar, talking on his phone and although she can’t hear the conversation she can see the manner in how he’s talking - a similar manner with which he displayed towards her when they were first dating – as though whispering sweet nothings.
The husband is smiling away, and all the while he’s talking on the phone he’s also giving eye-contact to a pretty girl sitting at the bar. He’s flirting away in front of his wife with the girl at the bar as well as secretly having a phone call to another girl he’s seeing – unknown to his wife. This guy is a serial cheater.
He wraps up his “work” conversation, goes back to his wife and feeds her a lie (in the form of a casual comment) to satisfy any curiosity his wife may have and to keep her from asking questions. She accepts this lie and they go back to their dinner.
But wait! Did his wife not see what was going on? Did she not think... why did he have to leave the table to take a “work” phone call? Why did the conversation look more intimate than work related? Why was he flirting with the girl at the bar? Did she not see all of this? Of course she did... but having to face this evil - the fact she married a serial cheating sleaze-ball and now needs to get a divorce after 10 long wasted years, break up the family, perhaps get a job - is all very difficult to face. It’s not easy to just break it all up after spending all those years creating what was thought to be perfect.
So what does she do? Maybe she convinces herself that it was a work phone call after all; and to ease her discomfort of the flirtatiousness she just witnessed, says to herself “oh he’s just a very friendly guy” – but not to his own wife he’s not. She will pretend something else is going on, or make up reasons or excuses that what she actually saw isn’t the case – in effect she lies to herself.
The point being made here is to look for yourself at what’s actually there and what’s actually going on rather than pretending something else instead. And when you see for yourself what is actually going on you can better deal with the situation. What happens next when your partner is doing bad or dishonest things behind your back is that they become critical of you – which leads onto the next sign of infidelity.
Sign of Infidelity #2: Critical Behavior
Your partner is being critical of you, finding fault in pretty much anything you say or do without just cause. This doesn’t mean that if you forget to pick the kids up from school that you don’t deserve some degree of censure – you do. This warning sign is where you haven’t actually done anything wrong but are subject to criticism anyway.
There are gradients for this type of behavior from slight criticisms, veiled or hidden digs, to the more extreme behavior of severe verbal, mental and physical abuse.
The more subtle signs of infidelity are the hardest to spot if you’re not aware. It’s like having a little rat gnawing at you – you know something is wrong but you can’t place your finger on it. They’re little remarks designed to bring you down; something like this:
“Wow you brought a new dress; that’s nice. Your sister would look nice in that, she’s got the figure for it, but I love you in it too. Hope it didn’t cost too much, just kidding”. Or, “Your brother is so helpful. He certainly knows how to deal with people, that’s for sure. What a shame you’re not like him. Never mind, I love you.”
Behind the unjustified fault-finding, the nagging, the critical remarks, and abuse, is some hidden action or activity your partner has done (or is doing) that would be considered to be unethical or dishonest. It might not necessarily be that they are having an affair, which is causing them to behave that way, but there is definitely something they are not telling you.
What happens next when the partner is doing things outside their marriage, i.e. having an affair, is they will eventually want to leave, which is the next sign of infidelity in a relationship.
Sign of Infidelity #3: Distancing, Wanting Space or Wanting To Leave
Yes you have probably witnessed this final stage of relationship infidelity on TV, in a book, or in life.
There comes a point where the partner that’s committing adultery will start to distance them self from their spouse and will eventually want to leave the relationship or marriage. The signs will become obvious the more you touch on their lies and the closer you become in uncovering what exactly they’ve been up to.
New relationships can and do break up simply because of not really knowing what the other partner was like, or not really having much in common. However, when a marriage has been going fine for 10 years then suddenly (or slowly) becomes a battleground, then suspect something is up. Distancing is the first stage and is definitely a sign something isn’t right. Again, not necessarily an affair but something they’re not communicating to you, because distancing is a form of non-communication.
Apart from generally being secretive here’s some signs of relationship distancing you can watch out for:
- You get strange flows from your partner and their mood has changed for the worst
- Real communication has gone sour, less talkative and quiet
- Your partner is less intimate and caring
- Sex becomes less frequent and perhaps stops altogether
- Your partner is spending more time at work or going out with friends
- If at home they spend most of the time in another room
If your relationship isn’t already strained by this time it soon will be and the next stage will be your partner wanting to leave. They will make comments and excuses to end your marriage or relationship and you’ll hear things like:
- Leave me alone will you, you’re always nagging, I’m leaving
- Stop giving me the third degree, don’t you trust me, I’m going out
- I think we should spend some time apart for a while
- I’m not sure about this relationship; it’s not what I want
- I want to break up. It’s not you it’s me
Just remember that behind these efforts or “justifiable reasons” to end your marriage are actions or activities your partner has done (or is doing) they aren’t telling you. Things they consider are dishonest or unethical in some way, whether infidelity or something totally unrelated. But you need to find out for sure.
One important final note: a more extreme deadly sign of adultery which can go unnoticed is becoming unusually ill from poisoning. This may seem a bit over-the-top but it has to be mentioned here as a possibility. If you have been married to a psychotic partner who has decided they don’t want to be married to you anymore you have to consider what they could be capable of, particularly if there are large amounts of assets tied up in the marriage. Enough said.
Get Hard Evidence of Infidelity
If you have followed this article you will have hopefully understood that the many infidelity signs are not 100% conclusive but give good indications that something is wrong in your relationship. If you find you’re experiencing the 3 major signs above in your marriage then it would be a good idea to investigate further. Gain that certainty of whether your partner is cheating, or if not, what else they’re actually up to, by getting good solid evidence.
How do you get evidence?
This is the exact type of work for a private investigator. You can hire a private investigator near you to see if your partner is cheating on you, or if not infidelity, they will discover the reason for your partner’s behavior.