This is a frank interview from a guy (who remains anonymous) wanting to disclose his own personal experience in having an affair with a married woman and how having an affair ruined his life. We hope you find it interesting as well as useful.
Start of Interview
Mr. Anonymous: I just want to thank you for allowing me to air my past troubles on your website. Just so it's clear, having an affair ruined my life. I wasn't looking for an affair so where exactly it started I'm not too sure but where it ended well that's another story. Let me start off by telling you that having an affair was one of the biggest mistakes I've made.
I was actually single at the time, I think in my mid-30s. I was working in a large company and had been there for about 4 years and was very happy there. My life was pretty good at that time.
Working in a large business you get to know a lot of people and they sort of become your extended family. We use to go out in groups, etc, etc. and it was fun.
Trying to remember how my affair started is hazy but I remember this woman talking to me in the cafeteria. I was introduced to her as being the sister of another staff member at work of whom I got on well with. This woman (the one I had an affair with) was married with two children.
We used to get on well and we started to meet outside of work socially - having coffee for an hour or so and then go our separate ways. This became the norm and she would even tell her husband she was meeting a friend (I'm not sure exactly how much she told him but now I suspect she probably lied a little).
I think after a point it became more than friendship and started to get into the realms of physical attraction from both sides. And the conversations started to become more intense as though we were in a relationship.
HireAPI: Thanks. So you built up the relationship with this married woman over a period of time. How did you reason with yourself that having an affair was acceptable?
Mr. Anonymous: Well to cut a long story short on the slow development of the initial stages of the affair we eventually took the jump and started our sexual affair. It's funny as I knew it was wrong because she was married with two children but I did it anyway.
I used to think to myself it was ok because she said she wasn't happy in her marriage and he had an affair with someone previously. This was my reasoning to think it was fine to do it - but boy was I wrong!
HireAPI: Thanks. So you justified it to yourself why it was fine to have the affair. What were the consequences of you having this affair?
Mr. Anonymous: Start of the BIG SHIT STORM... that's all I can say!
HireAPI: Please explain?
Mr. Anonymous: We had been carrying on for a short time when I told the woman I was having the affair with she had to leave her husband and start a proper relationship with me.
Well, she told her husband and moved out of their marital home. There was a lot of trouble for a long period. If you're thinking of having an affair, take my advice and don't, unless you want BIG trouble.
The trouble I (we) had was intense. There was a time (after she had moved out from her marital home) her husband was waiting outside where we were living. Of course he didn't come around for coffee and we ended in a minor fight in the street. I don't blame the guy; he was pissed to say the least. As far as he could see I broke up his family and I did. It may have already been broken but that's beside the point - it could have been fixed.
Another occasion whilst at work I had my partner's husband's mother turn-up causing a furor. My boss had to take me into the office and find out what was going on. That wasn't the only time. I had my partner's brother turn up and basically warned me off and to break up the affair.
So now it was spilling over into my workplace and worst of all was my partner's sister's turn who I worked with. I had to face her. This was worse as I had always gotten on well with her, but now, since the affair with her sister that changed dramatically. There was a big upset and she stopped talking. I really felt like I was in the dog box from all angles.
Obviously it went around at work which made things very uncomfortable and was actually putting a strain on my relationship with my new partner. It's ironic that the affair we started and that brought us together was now breaking us up.
So during this time I could see that when having an affair doesn't just affect a few people, it literally affected many around me. At that time (during the affair) I couldn't see what the consequences would be; I couldn't see how much harm I would cause. All I could see was the short-term physical relationship with a married woman.
I had no thought for her husband or even their two children - which now is shocking to see that. I was a real low-down-scuzzbucket.
HireAPI: thanks for sharing that with us. What else happened?
Mr. Anonymous: What happened next was a real eye-opener, a real reality check.
I was at home with my new partner; things had calmed down a little but were still tense at work with her sister and family. I still felt very uncomfortable; you know, with that everyone's-talking-about-me feeling, or, he's-the-guy-having-an-affair-with-a-married-woman look, etc.
Anyway, it was a time her husband came around to pick up the kids. Yes, we had the kids living with us. I could feel the intense I-want-to-kill-you-still feeling coming from him. So he came to collect his kids for the day but his son said he wanted to stay with me - Ouch!
That was it. Her husband became angry and stormed off which then set my partner off. She became angry at her son for not going and started blaming him for upsetting his dad.
I don't know what it was but from that point I could see who had caused all of this trouble. I remember getting angry with my partner saying "it's not his fault, it's our fault!" It was a real epiphany for me.
HireAPI: Thank you. Tell us more about your epiphany? What did you come to realize about having an affair?
Mr. Anonymous: I think from that point on I knew this was always going to be a problem relationship.
I realized you can't build a sound meaningful relationship based on a lie. And in my eyes right from the start the whole relationship was based on a lie - the affair.
I always felt that there was something wrong with it and it was a problem. It wasn't like a normal relationship where two single people get together and build from there. In our relationship there was too much destruction - more than I could have imagined - which caused our relationship to fail.
Having an affair is so destructive, not just for the immediate partners involved, but for the whole of the families connected to those having the affair. With me the trouble extended even further; into my workplace. But it also "killed" me.
HireAPI: Tell us about that. What do you mean by "it also killed me"?
Mr. Anonymous: I lost all faith in myself. I always thought I was a decent guy - no angel but fairly decent. I felt as though I corrupted myself. I felt I couldn't trust myself anymore - not just in relationships but generally. I had let myself down and that was a huge thing for me. I lost my trust in myself and lowered my self-worth; if you know what I mean. In effect, I kind of killed myself, or a part of me.
HireAPI: Well thank you for being honest. You mentioned a little while back, quote "which caused our relationship to fail" unquote. What happened to your relationship?
Mr. Anonymous: Well we're no longer together. No surprise really. A relationship or marriage needs to be based on trust, it's very cliché but it's true. I had lost trust in myself and how could I really and honestly trust a woman who had an affair. It was a kind of mutual thing where we split up.
I actually left work and got another job in a different town to start over.
HireAPI: So where are you now in life and what advice would you give to someone wanting to start an affair?
Mr. Anonymous: Now, I am in a very stable and happy relationship. I am very open with my partner of whom we've been together now for over 7 years. I have told her all about this affair. My advice to someone wanting to have an affair is DON'T. You may think it all exciting but eventually the having-to-hide-and-keep-it-secret bit doesn't work.
If it's all about the sex, the best sex I have had is with my loving partner. Seriously, if you have good communication with your partner your relationship just rockets into the sky - it's another level. It's all about being upfront and having good communication with your spouse. If you mess-up or fuck something up - tell your partner, even if you're afraid of the consequences. It really is a dream to have NO skeletons in the closet and not have to hide things. You can just be yourself in a relationship. No barriers; just free.
HireAPI: That's great! And what would you say to someone who is unhappy in their marriage?
Mr. Anonymous: Having an affair ruined my life and if you are thinking of having an affair it will ruin your life too; so don't go there. I'm not an expert by far but would advise marriage counseling for starters. Become honest with your partner. If you are trying to hide things then something is wrong. Get with your partner and talk. And I don't mean about unimportant stuff but things that are important. As tough as it may seem, get everything out in the open - both of you.
There is no relationship or no person that doesn't do something wrong. We all make mistakes but it's how you handle those mistakes. Taking responsibility and correcting your mistake is the way to go, not hide them. You will like yourself more for being open and fixing any mistakes you've made.
HireAPI: That all sounds fine but in our experience not all partners are that honest or amicable mild mannered people. What about that?
Mr. Anonymous: Well, if there are signs of infidelity and you suspect your partner is cheating, or your partner won't be upfront with you, then maybe it's time to find someone else. I don't mean you should start an affair with someone but to call it a day and end the relationship or marriage.
I guess you could always hire a private investigator to see if your spouse is cheating - that's what you guys do isn't it? Find out those cheating husbands and wives having an affair - (laughs)! I've even heard of people using spy cameras and car trackers to find out what their partner is up to.
At the end of the day it's your life as well and a relationship should be built with common purposes, working together. Otherwise what's the point? Find someone you do get on well with (not about sexual desire) but having shared realities and having the same goals and purposes. Build on those and the sex will come; excuse the pun - (laughs).
HireAPI: Thanks for your advice and thank you for sharing your story with us and our readers.
End of Interview